“When I understood that forgiveness does not mean re-entry I was able to find peace” – Alex Elle
You might be wondering, why the hell am I meeting the girlfriend?!…
Well, I have to meet the girlfriend because, when your child is around someone often you must know who they are. Point blank.
So, my son was apparently around this person without my knowledge for a while. I found out by mistakenly calling and asking where he was and who he was with and naturally I LOST IT! Not because I was jealous…
I just didn’t think I was ready for that step in my life.
Upon finding out and losing my mind, I started inquiring. I found out she had two kids, something I didn’t expect my ex to get into because he always said he wouldn’t date anyone with kids. They work together and they’ve been dating for quite some time.
After losing it, I started to ask myself questions like, “Why are they going out having family time, with my kid?!” “Why would he date someone with kids? He has to focus on his own!” “did they just throw this on my son?” “did his father gradually introduce him to her or did he just throw him into the lions den?!” I was more focused on how my kid felt because I still didn’t know how he was handling his parents separation, considering he grew up in a house with both parents for quite some time.
Now there’s this new chick in his father’s life, how does he feel about it? And the fact that he has to share his father with other children.
All these feelings are selfish… I know, I’m selfish.
I told my ex, I needed to meet her… But was I ready for that meeting?
At that time I had so many other questions my ex wasn’t answering. Like, how long were they dating? Were they dating while we were trying work things out for the last time? Did they meet in training at his job? If so, he was still home. Then I had to ask myself, “would I be confrontational or would I be cordial?”
Then I got hit with, “My dad said we’re all going to Disney World”
I Lost it again…
Me: “Why didn’t I know about this ‘family’ trip? he isn’t going he’s been already”
Him: “I was going to tell you, you didn’t give me a chance”
Me: “Well, he isn’t going unless I meet her”
Day of the trip I meet her…
Kind of inconvenient, but that’s my fault, maybe. I say that because there were many times I could’ve met her, but didn’t. Like the one time he wanted us to meet at his moms house while he cooked us dinner. That was kinda weird to me because his mom never formally met her, so we all were going to meet her at the same time like one big happy family? NO. So, I decided to let him know that was weird and I will not be attending the “family din din” and wished him luck. Needless to say, that dinner, never happened.
My son coached me on how to approach her, yes an 11 year old tried to sit me down and talk to me…
Son: “what are you going to say to her?
Me: “I don’t know, ask her name, tell her that I don’t want you mistreated…”
son: “OK. Be nice. Shake her hand; introduce yourself; ask her name; she’s nice”
Me: “well, if she’s nice to you, then we have no problem”
His father calls and says, she’s outside…
I get myself together, because you know I gotta look like somebody; gotta have my shit together!
I come out my front door, she comes out her car and says, “Hi! Tonya! I like your shoes!” I shake her hand, say thank you, analyze her. She tells my son he looks just like me, I say, “thats a good thing” I ask her about the trip; what are the plans. Then I told them to have a safe trip and kissed my son goodbye.
I went inside my apartment and was happy. Text the girls in the chat and told them I was good.
Happy because, that was closure. All those questions I had in the beginning, I didn’t even care to ask. It was irrelevant. We’ve both moved on in life. Our marriage had come to an end and meeting the new girlfriend closed that chapter of my life. I never wanted to rekindle my marriage, that was something that I was 100% sure about. I think it was that, I didn’t want him to move on and be happy in a relationship before me; he didn’t deserve it. I deserved it, shit, after all I’ve been through, I should be the one happily in a relationship… I am selfish…again, I know this!
We have to realize that, it’s OK for them to move on and be happy even though we don’t think they deserve it. It’s not up to me or you to determine that. When you let that go, you find peace.
Well, they have moved in together. I speak to her from time to time. Nothing major, just very small things, very very small things.
And, I’m now the ex wife… the divorce has been finalized.
Congratulations to me 🙂
Do I forgive him for all the things I’ve been through? eh, I don’t know, But I am at peace.
Kay James ❤
Illustration by: Nicholle Kobi